Letter To My Exes

Broken-Heart-Fixed

Its just a Sunday,

Mellow Sunday,

I know I’m sad, and I know its deep rooted, I know its okay to be sad,

Yet I know I don’t want to be sad anymore

I know why I am sad, And I know why the sadness keeps creeping back each time I want to move forward.

Its you, all of you!

Each time I gave myself a shot at new love,

Each time I told myself it could be different, He’s different.  He’s not A or B or C

Why deny yourself a chance of love? I asked myself

So I would do it once again, because I’m a lover, I can’t help it I love Love

Yet each time I let you all in, some short term, some long term,

Each time you would leave,

What you don’t know is that each of you left with a piece of me,

Each one of you robbed me of something,

So many things I have been trying to get back, Just not the right way

It was fun while it lasted, I appreciate the good times and the bad times,

Why though?

Why did you leave with my kindness, Why did you turn me into something I never was,

Made me be an image of the woman you always wanted that wasn’t me,

Made me change so that I could suit your purpose,

Made me silence my opinions because they never matched out to yours,

Made me feel worthless each time you told me that no man could ever live up to the one in my heart because I was being my real self

Made me close my mouth more just so I could avoid an altercation,

I tried to change, every time with either one of you, I tried to fit into your shoes, make you happier

I tried to be softer every time you said my heart was made of metal,

I tried to be prettier each time you said that I didn’t look woman enough, Each time you asked why I never put on make up like normal women do, the women you envied,

I tried to be less volatile, less awake each time you pointed out that my mind thinks too much much, that i chew on details religiously,

I began eating healthy food, stuff I don’t like and signed up for gym sessions because you hated the size of pouch belly. And I tried everything, running, less meat , Nothing was ever good enough, I never got that model body you admire so much,

I pretended to be okay with your misplaced beliefs because each time I objected you would make me out to be insensitive and judgmental

Yet each time I denied myself to give to you, I would feel you all drift away in my dreams, taking bits of me with you,

I would feel a shift in me, a shift of anger, pain, heartbreak and a shift of loss,

I wish I knew earlier that I can’t make homes out of human beings,

Then I wouldn’t lower myself small, Beat up myself delusional just to serve your purposes,

To all of you, my dearly departed Lovers, I want to say I’m sorry I never lived up to your expectations,

I’m sorry I was never enough for your wild imaginations,

I’m sorry I was never too flat-stomached, Too curvy or too beautiful for you,

I’m sorry it was never in your nature to love me as I am,

I am sorry that my growth bothered YOU, I’m sorry that you hated my curiosity and trials of different aspects of life,

I’m sorry I was always a disappointment in bed, I’m sure some of you cheated on me because I never liked sex as much you did,

And I’m truly sorry that my growth got in your way,

There is no life without growth, I only realize now that I’m needed to grow in a safer, more hidden and less outspoken space, I am okay with that though,

I finally accept that I am peculiar, weird, very strange and beautiful, I am something not everyone knows how to love,

And I’m okay with that, because I know how I deeply belong to myself,.

My dear exes, by sleeping with some of you, I broke a covenant against my own body, I let you be part of me when I was never yours to have in the first place,

So you became part of me and I became part of you, When you left, you all took some parts of me with you and left me with some of yours,

That sadness that creeps in every now and then, that’s your sadness being passed down to me, your sadness because I only now realize that I should never have let you change me, break me, and make me doubt the person I truly am,

My dearly departed lovers, Now that I see things so clearly, I will be unfair to myself if I do not rid myself of the memories ingrained by all y’all,

Dear ex boyfriends, I used to hate you, now I don’t, Now I’m just grateful that you helped me learn what I know now,

There was a time you made me happy, We made each other happy, but it was always in the expense of the person I truly was,

It is about that time, I free myself of the pain and the sadness that you left behind,

I free myself from regret, because even though it ended up broken it wasn’t always broken. I wanted you then, hence I did myself those injustices,

Leaving those memories behind, Fixing my heart, mending those pieces back bit by bit with every passing time,

My dear exes, I am sorry once again, I could have been the worst person in your eyes and I am truly, deeply sorry for that,

I am sorry I could never rescue you! But I refuse to suffer in the expense of my failures.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional

Each day I’m learning something new, I am growing a stronger spine. Today, today I’m letting myself be sad. 😦

3 thoughts on “Letter To My Exes

Add yours

  1. I relate to this piece in some ways. i am so glad you have reached a point in your life in which you truly value yourself, your personality, your body, your quirks, etc. That is all that matters at the end of the day. To be happy with oneself, one must push past the darkness that clouds our hearts every now and then. Thank you for sharing this with everyone, it’s beautifully written. ☺️💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Abbie… I wish I realized self love sooner. I am however grateful I have come thus far. Sharing this took balls but it was a step of letting go I had to take. Thank you so much Abbie.

      Liked by 1 person

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