(picture credit: pixabay)
Today you would have turned 27!
oh how heavy it weighs, it always will.
But I see you in the trees,
I see you in the stars,
I see you in the moon,
I see you in the rivers and the waterfalls,
and I see you in everything that screams beauty to me.
Because of you, I have learned that I want to be nothing but superficial!
I want to look out into the mountains and imagine your face there,
I want to watch the sunsets and imagine myself saying goodbye,
and imagine saying hello every morning with every sunrise.
I miss you,
I will always miss you.
I hope you came back as flowers,
Like that tree we sat under and shared our struggles everyday that went by in that shit hole,
Like the tree we’d climb whenever our parents fought,
Like the trees we hid behind, whenever we tried to get out from having hurtful insults hurled at us.
I see you in every tree that bares a shade of beautifully clustered leaves,
For it was views like that that kept us going on.
Oh if you knew how bad did when you left.
I trailed back,
I did things I wish I never did.
You weren’t there,
nobody was there,
except the vultures!
They tore me apart and ripped me flesh by flesh,
But I’m learning to take care of myself now.
I am learning that I’m best alone, I love it alone!
You knew my weird,
you were my weird,
I miss not trying to fit in or explain who I am or why I am the way I am.
I miss being authentically quiet and reserved without feeling weird or feeling the need to explain why I need some time to be alone.
I miss those birthday and valentine cards that always came because you knew I would never get one from anyone,
I miss knowing that someone saw me for who I really am and not for my flesh,
I miss how you protected me, and scolded me whenever I started to trip!
I miss how you always knew what was going on with me even when I didn’t share,
We grew up in hate, you and I,
and we hated each other at first because that was the norm in that space,
as though it was written in the stars,
we became best of friends,
the cousins assumed to be estranged lovers,
the cousins who were exorcised on different occasions because it could only have been an incest affair for us to be close like in a family like that!
We grew up in hate,
you and i,
but you were the love I needed.
You showed me what love should look like,
showed me how love should feel,
and why love should be a haven in a world so distraught.
We had big dreams,
you and I,
dreams of bringing up our families in love and peace,
molding what would be our next generation different from what we had been stuck it in.
If you look down on us from the skies,
then you know its still the same.
all of it!
That place we grew up in,
that den of tears and pain,
this world you left me in,
its still the same.
I got out,
I fell right into another den,
different, but the same sort of den!
I miss you!
I wish you were here,
The world needed more of you1
I needed more of you!