It wasn’t that I didn’t know you love me,
but because I was buried too deep.
Too dark for me to feel or even see your love.
I never wanted to leave you,
I just didn’t have it in me to keep fighting the monsters.
And today when you ask me why I did it?
Why I took those damned pills?
How selfish could I be?
Didn’t you stop to think about us?
I don’t know how to answer you.
Hear me this,
I swear I wasn’t trying to be selfish,
It wasn’t influenced by how bad or good my life is.
I am just tired.
tired of being me,
tired of pretending to be okay,
tired of being depressed,
I didn’t love you less then,
I love you so.
it’s not the death of me I sought,
I just needed too kill the way i felt,
shut up the incessant chatter in my brain,
have a break from feeling,
like the worst most unworthy,
and unlovable creature on earth.
It is not selfish nor cowardly.
It is not to hurt you.
It is pure unadulterated desperation.
I need you to understand that the pain,
they are real.
And even though i survived,
I still have to face the demons in my head.
its something I get to deal with daily,
and the stigma only adds up to the shame.
It wasn’t all about me,
It wasn’t a cry for attention,
I never needed it or asked for it.
It could have been the never-ending pain of trying to live in a world I believe I don’t belong in.
But it wasn’t all about me.