Each Word Burns

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Image by Lisa Runnels from Pixabay

I spent such a long time,

so many years,

so many lost moments,

circling above the clouds,

looking for life,

yet never living it.

The time was here,

I needed to stop limping around the past crutch.

It was the past,

painful yet necessary,

weary yet what made me who I am today,

dark yet to paved way for the light inside.

25 years I sat there,

consumed by all the dark demons of the past,

and the unseen ghosts of tomorrow,

never soaking in the present

I was seeing it all wrong,

now I know that it’s what I do that makes me who I am.

It no longer matters to me why one cake rises,

and the other falls…

for when you survive suicide,

then you realize it doesn’t really matter.

I saw the gates of the after life slightly opening,

and I realized that none of the things we deem necessary in life,

matter.

It sucks when one realizes you haven’t been living life,

25 years, I have wasted in the dunks of cheap thrills,

caring so much what you think about me,

hiding who I really am in the quest to fit in,

unnecessary attachments,

poisoned experiences,

trying to thrive in a nation of amnesiacs,

fueling my life with inappropriately weak emotions.

I was embarrassed!

and it was the unpleasant odor of death that woke me,

that made stop living my life like a pitiful,

mechanical thing without a past,

like a disoriented wind-up car,

ready to run in any direction those in my life point me to.

Here I am now,

no-longer allowing myself to feel small and ridiculous,

and hemmed in on each side,

just so I can feel safe.

no-longer the girl flattered to death when someone wants me around,

no-longer trying to hide my weird or my nerd behaviors,

I am brave now,

set up for this life,

the life that I want,

the life that I always needed,

this life!

The present life,

ready to face what comes up,

and if  you feel quick to throw your spear at me,

judge me,

belittle me,

and break me,

then you don’t have the slightest idea who I am.

I still feel spectacularly out of place,

but with pride,

and not giving a dime how the world perceives me.

I choose to proceed as if there were no other day but today,

never assuming that this land,

could ever forget what been done to it.

And on the says I try so hard not to look at the dust in the air,

I know the sun will illuminate each particle,

so that it glows,

and I will remind myself,

each word burns.

And on the days no one can help carry the weights,

I will do it myself,

brace the tough nights alone,

remind myself why I need to.

for even though I may never feel normal again,

I have a new normal now,

and soon I won’t need to carry the weights.

for no one can break me now,

nothing can stop me now,

living it out is the only thing I’m gonna be doing hence forth!

and if you understand my language,

sweetie,

I need you to remember,

“It’s what you do that makes you who you are”

so march thee forward,

and release holy hell!

stand up to the whole world,

feeling like you’ve already found home.

shine like you’ve finally found your true glow.

 

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