Movie Theater

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i think!

i imagine myself lost in the abyss of a movie theater!

the red seats,

the beautiful roof,

the roundness of the room, how subtle,

the lights, oh the lights,

and i’m just seated there in my thoughts,

spinning round and round and round,

bearing bits and flashes of what has been my life.

I pick moments,

happy moments,

chuckles with my daughter,

her tiny hugs, and her tiny kisses,

laughter with my family,

time spent with my friends,

time spent time with the guy i like,

time cuddled in his arms or just listening to music,

i’m in that moment,

I miss those moments.

I stare at the blank screen in front,

and I see how fast,

and sundering, and how misleadingly those moments pass.

a second, a minute, a day, every single time,

those moments pass.

I spin,

oh how a simple hug from you princess would lift my burdens,

oh how mamma’s hug would feel so good,

or how i wish laughter with your sister would be more than dosses of moments,

oh how conversations with your brother would come often,

oh how pizza with my friends would brew laughter,

and oh how I wish moments with you my love would last forever and not just in sneak peak of a chance.

in those moments,

sad moments are brewed.

for when you think of the ones you love,

you can’t help but realize how much you need them.

how much you wanna tell them of your nightmares,

of the flashes and splashes of darkness when a whiff of the past glazes your skin,

of the tears of endearment when you are stuck in paranoia,

of the scars buried so deep they can’t see them,

of how sometimes you wish it were easy to just talk to them,

to let them know that even though I seem so far away I still love them,

to try and make them understand that my demons don’t like sharing,

they’ll claw, and they’ll claw,

until you can’t breathe,

until you want nothing to do with me,

and I can’t have that,

for i’d rather have you at arm’s length than not have you at all.

I stare at the large chandelier above me,

and think of coffee,

whisky,

cannabis,

cigarettes,

and how I have been using them as pick me ups,

how sometimes when i’m so down,

coffee gives me the illusion of energy,

alcohol gives me the illusion of happiness,

marijuana gives me the illusion of relaxation,

cigarettes give me the illusion of control,

and in that moment,

I realize, I know that they are just illusions,

they are just cheer me ups,

and how I need to cheer ME up,

take care of me,

stay gracious, remain gracious,

detach from the toxin that has been my past life,

let go of their illusions of me,

for just like the codependency with the drugs,

their illusions too are just illusions.

what about this?

is it just an illusion?

could I please live in a movie theater?

 

 

 

 

 

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