The Last Post! Post 101

moon-4245400_1920Catherine

Yesterday, I spent half my day in the hospital, and most of my day literally puking my guts out. I was seated someplace outside after having spent hours hooked to an IV, and this woman approached me.

Catherine is her name. Like every concerned Human, she wanted to know why I was crying. I mean, I would probably do the same if I saw someone seated alone crying their eyeballs out.

See, the beauty of talking to strangers is you’re not afraid to be completely honest with them. It’s easier to tell a stranger that you’re really sick than telling your family and friends.

She survived staged IV colon cancer. Well, not really survived but since she was diagnosed back in 2015, four years later, she’s still here. She may not have her colon, and she may have spent millions of money just to achieve, and she’s had to persevere through years of treatment, but she’s here.

When she tells her story, you just have to listen. I actually remembered her from last year. During the 5th edition of Relay for Life Kenya, an event by KENCANSA {Kenya Cancer Association} to Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back, and Give Hope.

She was among the key cancer survivor speakers and what she said has always stuck with me. Let me paraphrase, “Most people take the smallest things for granted, like popping.” And I remember people laughed. Well, it wasn’t the this is a funny joke kind of laugh, but the damn that’s so true kind of laugh.

She’s at liberty to say this because as you can imagine, you do actually need your colon for waste removal. Hence, in as much as she would love to spend minutes in the lavatory reading a magazine and shitting her waste out, she doesn’t have that kind privilege as we do.

I respect her. Even when doctors told her she was gonna die, 4 years later, this has shaped her story. However, she did tell me one thing yesterday that is going to stick with me for the rest of my life.

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It’s All in The Mind

She said, “How you beat this is all in your mind.”

As you can imagine, this is undoubtedly the best way to give a forlorn girl hope. Here she was, this woman, her body, ridden by cancer, but looking healthier than ever.

I know why she said this, even with surgeries, chemo, radio, and medications, the only she’s managed to beat this was because she’s had a positive attitude since. Also though she was sick, her mind was intact. Her survival was hidden somewhere behind those many brain cells. Her survival was reliant on how she thought about life in the first place.

Unlike Catherine, I don’t want to take any treatments. In just a few hours, I told my best friend and family what the doctor had told me, I was soon bombarded by the guilt of love.

Guilty because I know my family and friends would rather see me live, and this means they would be willing to do whatever it takes to help me beat anything. And I thought of what that entails. Constant concern, money issues, further health issues, worry, and so much more.

And so I felt guilty for loving them. Why? Because I love them so, and they love me too, but this my battle.

No one goes to battle without a plan.

Maybe I am dying, then again, perhaps I’m not, but one’s thing is for sure – I will undoubtedly die someday. It could today, tomorrow, a week or months or years from now, it could be whenever, but it is going to happen.

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Death

I remember the first time death hit so close to home for me. My cousin, my best friend, my soul mate, my light, Stephen Kamore had just succumbed to cancer. Not long before then, my grandpa with the same name had passed, my other grandpa Hiram Ndegwa, and my grandma Gladys Wamuyu as well.

Not that these deaths didn’t hurt me, they did, they were just easier to accept. I have since lost more friends and more family to different faces of death. However, this particular death has ridden me with sorrow for the seven years he’s been gone.

We went through a lot together, Kamore and I, some good memories and some really cruel memories, but we always had each other.

For the longest time, he complained of migraines. Given the state of health services in Kenya, he was treated for many things but never for cancer. Two days before he sat for his KCSE, he fainted. He ended up in hospital that day and two years since he was in and out of hospitals.

It was cancer. Brain cancer. Within the two years, he was fighting this disease, I kept losing him day after day. The chemo and radio were meant to help, but instead, he was blind and had no memory of the people he so dearly loved by the time he was dying.

I was still in high school, so you can imagine how this affected me then and how it has since affected certain areas in my life. I was heartbroken, I still am. But, I have finally accepted that he’s gone. And know that he will always live in my mind for as long as I live in this world that he no longer lives in.

Death! It reaps, and it reaps. But I’m accepting that death only plays its only role: It sows.

You reap what you sow, the wise men have said.

And hence, because we reap life when we are born, isn’t it life’s prerogative that we sow death as well?

One truth of life stands true that that which is born shall eventually die. But, we have grown so afraid of death, so scared of losing the people, so worried about what life becomes without them. For this, we rid ourselves of every day joys and replace them with sadness, sorrow, pain, anger, and bitterness, but the top of the list, LOSS.

And so, we fight death, and we fight it, and we keep fighting, and from the looks of it, man will keep fighting it.

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I Don’t Want to Fight death

Earlier this year, I tried to kill myself.

Yes! I was going through dark times, as I imagine most of you do, only I wasn’t strong enough to keep living.

Suicide is selfish, and a lot of things if you choose to listen to people’s opinions, but suicide is one thing. Suicide is deciding to end your life. Some circumstances lead to this decision, but the choice is always to take your life.

I have since learned that I was wrong to do so. And I am since happy to be alive. And since, I have been thinking about death quite a lot.

No, please don’t call suicide watch on me, because this is not that kind of talk. In fact, I don’t want to kill myself. I am, however, very okay with the idea of death.

So hear me out…..

We don’t get to choose what families we’re born into, what country or continent we are born into, we don’t get to choose who births us, but we are born anyway. So, why should we choose when we die?

By doing the treatments, I’ll be doing one thing for sure: fighting to keep living, fighting to beat death. Here’s the thing though, I don’t want to fight death!

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I Wanna Live Like Really Live 

I wanna take what’s left of my life, of course with the uncertainty of how long this will be, and just be in the moment.

I have read so much material over the years. Particularly after unsuccessfully trying to take my own life, I read too much of Allan Watts, Suzuki, and the likes. They all advocate for one truth:

“All you have is NOW.”

I have since learned, that just because someone reads, that doesn’t mean they will do anything about the situation. This, in fact, is the true definition of humanity.

We know the truth, doesn’t mean we’ll do anything about it!!

Well, I wanna do something about it. I wanna approach this life of mine with the mindset of NOW. And want to this for as long as death keeps adding to my days.

Since yesterday, I realize that every day we wake up, that’s just death giving us one more chance to live. Why? The reasons are unknown.

Right now, my attention is on this. The words sprouting from my fingertips, directed by my master, the Brain. I’m here right now, once I’m done I’m gonna be doing something else, and just like this, I want to give it all my attention.

26 years! And I have had the privilege of learning, loving, birthing, losing, surviving, and everyday evolving.

I have understood this life, this world, and what it’s really all about.

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Marty

Have you watched the Madagascar film franchise?

I love Madagascar, I think it’s the best thing on TV. But that’s just my opinion. I have lots of favorite shows, but this carries the medal for me.

Marty {voiced by Chris Rock} is the striped Zebra looking for more than what the Zoo has to offer. The first film starts with him celebrating his birthday.

His friends , Alex, Gloria, and Melman, of course, go out of their way but within their means to make this day unique for Marty.

He is to make a birthday wish, and his wish is, “I wanna go to the WILD.” Because they’ve all known life within the walls of a zoo, his friends are not too welcoming of this and Marty is okay with this.

He leaves anyway, without them. Not that he loves them any less, he just knows there’s more out there for him than what the Zoo has to offer. Get this, they’ve been living like kings in the Zoo. The lion doesn’t have to hunt for prey, man gets him a regular steak. The Giraffe is happy with the medical attention he receives, and Gloria, well, she just survives anywhere.

In the real sense, lions can’t be best friends with a zebra, and giraffes and hippos certainly can’t fall in love. But, this movie is not about that reality, but a different one.

Anyway, Marty leaves, and his loving friends head out to look for him. In the event that they are out in the world with real people, animal control and the police can’t allow this for obvious reasons. These reasons are only known to humans, this is clearly depicted by Alex’s lack of understanding why all of a sudden people were treating him differently and not like the “King of New York.”

And so, they are shipped back to Africa, back to the wild. Marty adapts really well. Heck, he’s wish did come true. Alex, Gloria, and Melman, on the other hand, find this to be a completely different reality and so the rest of the film franchise they’re trying to figure it out while they try to find a way to go back to New York.

By the third film, they’ve lived a life of adventure in the wild. They’ve met more animals like them, and they’ve made new friends. They go back to New York with the help of some new friends they met in Europe and the brilliant Penguins, but in the end, they choose a life of adventure over going back to the Zoo.

In the Zoo, they have only one role, to entertain humans! In the wild, their purpose is just to be. To fit, to survive, but to live while doing all this.

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I am Marty

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted more to life than what was offered. 26 years later, a little too late, I don’t wish just to want it, I want to have it!

I have since learned that my life has pretty much been shaped by other people. Their actions towards me, their opinions of me, their judgments, and their rules.

I know you think this naïve, but hey ain’t you the one living by the rules? Ain’t you the one so afraid to rebel against the system? Don’t you have to file your taxes each month with no-fail otherwise, it’s jail? Didn’t you spend so many years in school because a successful life was reliant on that, but you’re still stuck working jobs you don’t like? Ain’t you the one committed to religion because the white man brought it to you?

Anyway! It’s not about rebelling, it’s about accepting.

When I look at nature, the animals, the birds, all of it, I am convinced every day that humans are the worst species ever to exist. All you need to do is pay a little more attention.

Ha! Jokes on me because I am human.

I can’t change this, I accept it.

However, it’s not imminent that I should live by the Human’s book. I want to live by nature’s book.

Like Marty, I wanna be out there with my fellow stripped friends and other different looking friends.

I wanna exist without worrying about tomorrow. I learn animals. I see them pee when they wanna pee, fuck when they wanna fuck, eat when they wanna eat, sleep when they wanna sleep, leave when they wanna leave, stay when they wanna stay, I see them just going on about life with what nature has to offer them that day. And I’ve seen them live successfully through different seasons.

I know we believe to have the upper hand. And maybe we do. I just want to have the upper hand in my life. I just want to sleep, eat, fuck, poop, pee, etc. when I want.

So yeah, I am Marty, because like Marty I’m setting out to start living in the moment, in the NOW. I don’t have much control of where or how I wanna do this, but I do have control over how I want to keep living my life.

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A Book and A Pen

This is my last post. Post 101!

I wanna start living every day with a book and a pen.

I don’t want to do status updates anymore, I don’t want to keep posting on this blog anymore, I don’t want to pause a moment only to take a dozen photos with Hope that I can get one cute one for the gram, I don’t want to update the world of my mental health, relationships, or state of life.

I don’t want to do drugs anymore just to pass time or get over a bad phase. I wanna be out there with my friends, enjoying their company without needing a catalyst. So be as it may, my journey with drugs {all drugs} also ends here.

I do, however, love writing. I wanna keep writing, but only in the pages of my book from the tip of my pen.

So, a book and a pen are how I’m choosing to live my life. And of course, this is a metaphor!

A book and a pen for me…..is my way of living in the now. Enjoying every single moment without any obligations to the rest of the world.

I want to love wholeheartedly, be there for my friends and family wholeheartedly, and I want to live like tomorrow is not guaranteed because it is not.

While I do this, I will figure each moment out with a book and a pen because that’s as personal as it gets. With every last page, I write, I will leave it somewhere for someone to find it or for the book to find itself out somewhere in the gutters.

Currently, I have 80 followers on this blog. Thank you!

Thank you forever for taking the time to read my ramblings. Thank you because you did give me the chance to figure myself out in front of a small world. I love you.

I hope to meet some of you someday, and if ever I do, I promise to let you read my diary. Ha!

And hey! If you think me a worthy correspondence, and I promise I am, shoot me an email sometime {mutugirungu@gmail.com}

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And So?

I have recently come to love someone. He is the most amazing, kindest, caring person I have met in years. He doesn’t know this, but he opened me to love.

I have been in relationships before, some good, some bad, but I never really truly loved them. In fact, I never knew how to love someone else so deeply like I have this guy, and I’m not even dating him.

And so, I wanna keep loving like this. With no motive attached to it. With no expectations. With no requirements. Without withholding. Without wanting to change anything about the people I love.

And in my fucked up little mind, this is me doing it even now.

Not that this post matters, not that it will matter, but because this is the most loving way I can think of telling you that whether or not I am sick, whether or not I am dying, I don’t care. But I do care to keep loving you with every passing moment I get to be with you.

And hey! If ever one of my diaries falls on your hands, you’ll experience me again! You’ll read, and you’ll know that I lived a beautiful life. That I lived each day like it was my last. Because IT COULD BE!

And now, i’m off to convince my brain that this is it!

Adios Amigos!!

 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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