I find that you feel the most lonely when it’s cold.
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, that cold that stings at night, in the morning, and all day has a unique way of evoking the loneliest feelings in a man.
While some days can be fixed with a cup of hot green tea, a warm blanket, and a good book, some cold days will find you tethered to your bed with no strength or desire to leave that dark room.
Yet some cold days, even when it’s drizzling outside, afternoon walks call upon thee. There is a silence and solitude that the cold season brings, but these two things evoke fears and worries and feelings of emptiness for the unprepared mind. There is a joy that flourishes within when you take a nature walk in cold weather, drizzles on your face, music in your ears, and the pleasure of a child rooting from within.
I find that even simple worries of life intensify during the cold season. You could be in bed watching a movie, and all of a sudden, you can’t help the tears from falling. Sometimes those simple tears feel like pockets of outlets for things you knew not existed in you.
I needed a cold afternoon walk.
Coping Through a Bad Knee Month
After the Rurimueria Hike that had me keep off my knee for an entire month, I find that it can be quite depressing for outdoorsy people to not hike or take long walks or even run. I mainly took a tremendous emotional hit when I realized that I couldn’t actually run for some time if I wanted my knee to recover.
I remember one morning (early this month, I woke up from a nightmare, and like most times, a morning run has a way of fixing my maladjustments. But this wasn’t one of those mornings. It’s moments like these that spark a breakdown. The indispensable of being unable to just go outside and toss my problems into the abyss left me with no choice but to address my emotions.
I find October quite a difficult month, but I also found that this October was particularly forthcoming. I needed to live at my disadvantage, experience my inconveniences, and face my demons without quick adjustments supplied by a run.
I love the outdoors so much that I get real withdrawals when I haven’t been out in nature for a while. I wish I could say being indoors was easy… But no! It was not.
As a matter of fact, being off my feet made me more intolerable to myself. Made me aware of that tiny speck of loneliness that’s buried deep within and has a way of propping back up when I feel like I am in condescension.
There is More Symbiosis Where Pollution Doesn’t Exist.
There is this coffee farm in my neighborhood where I often go for my runs. I haven’t been there all month (until today), but I needed a wake up cold afternoon walk, and where else was best?
Inside the coffee farm….there is an average size thicket of trees and shrubs. The trail moves around the thicket like a python protecting its warmth. The nature of trees reminds me of a ‘George Of The Jungle’ or ‘The Jungle Book’ theme.
Shrubs are hanging off the tall, magnificently old trees drenched with all sorts of creatures. I noticed that there is a special kind of calm here than anywhere else on the coffee farm.
It feels like I’m standing Infront of holding ground, and everything inside there is holy. Different birds make sweet melodies of calmness, solitude, and beautiful silence. The wind kisses every tree, every leaf, every shrub, and every grass-like to unite and synchronize them in one orchestra.
The shape and color of the stems look like they have tales to tell. Like the barks have seen more than my tender young life, and I’m sure they have. What is more fascinating is to stand there in front of what looks like shrub chaos and feel a lightness in my spirit. To watch how everything in that thicket seems like one. The breeze coming off of it only delivers clean vibes. Out of an imperfect garden of trees comes off a flawed kind of Symbiosis.
It is the lack of pollution, the lack of tree or shrub clearing of this area that gives it it’s a peaceful appeal; it’s the lack of corrupted media and interference by humans that provides this thicket with and the birds, insects, and animals living in there a sense of vanity.
I’m looking to achieve such Symbiosis in my life. However, for one to live a clean life, all manner of pollution needs to be exhausted. Sometimes, it’s wondering what comes after that that keeps using holding on to the fifth that we know deep down should be let go.
It is never having enjoyed fresh air for more than a day out on a hike or run that you wonder how claustrophobic spaces in your home or places of work will ever bring such lightness. But as I look at the diversity and yet simplicity of this scrub that I realize that my mind, my brain, that is my thicket, my garden, and unless you take charge of who waters it or mows it or lawns it, then I’ll never enjoy cold seasons let alone summer!
Cold seasons require you to tap into your reservoirs, to hibernate in your cave, and unless you seal those energy leaks, you will always run out of gas when you need it the most. You can’t fix things by willing solutions upon yourself… But you can by putting on your jacket and getting out into the cold for an afternoon walk, and if you pay attention, that trail will lead you to a realization that you needed.
The smallest of birds give the best melodies in there, and the eagle just perches on a massive branch as if waiting to see if the drizzle will clear off. The trees are different, some really green, others brown, others really tall, others are in their flowering season, most of those trees have crawly plants grown on them and forming new life on their stems, some are quite thick while others are tiny studded shrubs….. But there is only silence and solitude in there. No one is in control, and yet everything there coexists. And so, while some days seem more lifeless than others, noticing the life around you can breathe new life into you!
Sometimes it’s the small squirrels chasing each other in the dry wet grass that reminds you of tiny moments you so often miss when we get so preoccupied with our worries. It’s the fallen leaves and jacaranda flowers on the wet ground that remind you that the world is yours at a glance, the flowering coffee trees amidst shrubs of dry grass that reminds you that life tends to keep happening even when part of it is dying.
Shackles of the Brain
But sometimes, even with this awareness, it becomes so hard to comprehend the simplicity of life when it’s eating at you. When you have no idea where to get your next meal, what to do with uncharted pain.
Sometimes, your feed starts crashing, and you have no idea how to fix the bug because you have been in the shackles of your brain too long you can’t even differentiate what is real and what’s euphoric.
We live in a euphoric nature. We get far too in by assuming that we’re getting the edge off this tough life…then get far too lost in it by allowing what is real to be distorted by candy joys of life dressed in chemicals off every shelf everywhere we look.
And sometimes, even those who can feel this innate desire to wanna be free still have no idea where to start. And those who do start will often find themselves back where they started, and those who do make it….they had to let a lot of what was familiar to them go. But that’s when you start taking charge of your life when you break off the shackles of your brain and seek a more quiet, peaceful life.
Finding the light can mean venturing deep into nature and learning from it because we humans are cursed with the gift of memory. It is the memories that….even if you feel like you’ve dealt with everything, you’ve fixed things, when you rest your mind for a second, it is the memories that catch you off guard and turn everything dark in an instance.
So sometimes….you just have to decide once and for all which pill you’re taking. Is it the blue pill? Or the red pill?